You Will Shine 1:59 AM

Some dreams take time to come true.

Some dreams happen so fast that you just don't notice it.

Some dreamers opt to wait; while others tend to give up.

Having a dream - a dream to shine - is a purpose we serve in life; having something to hold on to is a reason why we keep getting up in the morning.

It doesn't happen in an instant, but it does happen.

Someday.

You. Will. Shine.

The Truth About Alice, Right Now 9:31 PM

I feel as if I am a less-striking version of that GIF right now.

When dreams crash, it's easier to see them on the ground than realizing they aren't bouncing up.

Whoever said that life is hard, probably just said the understatement of the century.

Back when Alice was younger, the only thing that bothered her was how the hell she ended up wounded inside that damned PLDT manhole. Growing up, she thought that the hardest question she'll ask herself was how the hell did she survive the first 10 years of her life without having their own radio.

But she ended up so wrong about that.

Never in a million years did she think that she'll ever see herself repeatedly starting over, trying to figure out where she wants to go or if that place is where she's supposed to be.

Did she believe in fate?

Did she believe in signs?

She listened to her childhood superhero, Superman. You control your destiny and all the crap. So, she pushed through the direction she had in mind, although she wasn't sure if it was the right thing to do.

Then, came nothing.

It was finally time to cut the Superman crap and accept reality.

Not all dreams come true.

Or at least when they do, it's usually a hard slap of reality that a dream is just a bitter, melting realization that they aren't what you've pictured them to be.

Or whatever.

At the end of the day, someone usually ends up with teary eyes and an uncertain future; or a crushed self-esteem.

When dreams crash, someone always ends up hurt.

When dreams crash, someone always ends up having nothing at all.

They say no dream is too big or small or that David defeated Goliath with a stone but tell that to someone who cares.

When dreams crash, they usually just crash, giving you a tight feeling in the gut that makes you want to regret every single decision that left you where you stand at that moment - with nothing but your shattered dreams.

Alice doesn't regret ever taking her feet off the ground - or at least that's the lie she tells herself everytime she wakes up in the morning. It's a constant battle with pride or a truth she didn't want to admit.

That's the one, constant thing she keeps telling herself as she goes through an entire day of absolutely nothing but hating the fact that she's given up for the first time in her life.

They call it withdrawal.

Or whatever excuse people give these days.

She struts and smiles and rants about how she hates the TV show that told her dreams can come true.

But Alice is not fine, no matter how many times she says she is.

It's a start, right? 11:56 AM

I'm scared, you know.

I have always been that girl who had huge dreams.

I would always go and zone out, every now and then, just to think about what I want in my life.

But if you ask me, right at this moment, I would shrug and say, "I'm not sure."

I would say that because I'm really not sure.

Maybe because I am that type of person: I want too much of everything.

I want everything.

I want to do and experience every single thing that life has to offer. I am so damn in love with the world that I want to breathe every single bit of it. I don't want to miss anything because the world is so damned beautiful to ignore.

For the first time in months, probably a year or so, that I wrote something like this. An entry that I wrote because I wanted to inspire people; I wanted to touch lives.

I realized, while sitting in front of this damned laptop that I only write when I'm inspired.

And it's the first time I've written something for so long.

Knowing that, man, I knew I have been so uninspired for quite a time.

But this entry isn't about what inspired me. This entry is about what could inspire me.

I want everything. I want too much of everything.

I am not ashamed of that fact because it keeps me moving... or not.

Before graduation, I was always certain of the life I wanted. I was the one who was most likely to achieve a lot because I had so many goals. I had so many things in mind. Not to mention that I was always the kind of person who strive hard to get what she wanted.

But that's the thing about the person I was. It's who I used  to be.

It's part of the person that was me.

After I graduated, I don't know how it happened but I lost sight of everything  I have imagined before that damned Cum Laude medal clung onto my neck.

I suddenly woke up with all these fears of not making it; of not getting what I wanted despite the best efforts of trying to. I suddenly woke up fearing that one big leap. I woke up one morning realizing that I have lost the one thing that I always had in me: faith.

Faith in my self, faith in what I do, faith in what I can do - I always had it. Had.

Then, I got into a situation where I was forced to move and do something that was never in my plan. I got into something that was forced out of the situation because this what everyone around me told me - or at least, this is what the people that matter told me.

Just a few hours ago - before I sat and started this - my friend asked me (and I'll translate it just not to spoil the mood): "How long have you been there?"

And I said, "Seven months."

Then, it hit me.

Man, it's been seven months of being stuck, of doing what I  never really wanted. Seven months of what could've been the time I served for starting to fulfill my goals - or at least half of it.

Just saying that relieved me. Why?

Because yeah, I may not know what I want exactly but at least I know what I don't want.

Seven months of being scared of failures and I realized that I have failed merely because I haven't tried anything.

Early in my life, I have become a failure and for the first time, that sounded positive because yeah, it is still early in my life.

That gives me hope that maybe, I could get my life back on track. Like before.

The new year really hit me, like wrecking ball or truck or a door; it could be just a slap on the face but whatever. It's a quarter after two and the fact that I have been writing... means something.

This entry is not a blog of resolutions. I don't do resolutions because I don't intend of changing myself. This entry is about recollecting; re-gathering the person that I used to be because I know, that that person is the one who will fight to live another day.

I'm not being sentimental. I'm just sharing my thoughts.

Or maybe I am being sentimental.

And I love it because the old me, the person that I loved being, always had a thing for dramatics.

Yeah, I'm grinning like a fool right now because this could be  a sign.

I just came home from a night out with friends and yeah, aside from the new year, I guess, this night is the transition that I have been waiting for.

Transitions in life are usually marked by major events. Birthdays, graduations, weddings. But the greater transitions often come out of smaller moments. When we stop and look at where we are. Because each time we see how far we’ve come, we also see how far we still have to go.

Sniffing, I realized that I still have one hell of a way to go.

You know, the thing about me is that, I have always been lazy to change the things that I hate. But I have read from a friend's book, that it is about fear. Maybe, I was afraid of trying my hardest but still not succeeding.

But my word for 2012 is: move.

Just like what I have said, I have been stuck for seven months or eight and counting. That's seven months - or eight and counting - of not doing anything to change the situation. 

No, I am not going to say that this year, I'm going to achieve all my goals not because it is impossible but because it still one hell of a way.

Instead, I'm going to move because as one friend Tweeted, "the first step to getting somewhere is deciding that you aren't going to stay where you are."

I am not unhappy, just a little discontented.

There would always be that one moment when the stars would align and give you a sign that will say: the time is now.

I know, I preached myself once saying: hold on to sixteen as long as you can. Meaning, I told myself to slow down, not rush things because they come in good timing and timing is everything. You know, the "you're only young once" excuse and all the shit.

But I realized, that starting to move my feet from being stuck on the land I hate, is not rushing things.

I'm only young once and I can only do the things I love while I am young. So, yeah. I'm going to start taking my feet off the ground and back. I'll start moving or running.

It's a start, right?

Dreams, We All Have Them 7:43 AM

Browsing through my archives, I saw this one. I saw it inside my NOV 2010 folder and, yeah, I figured I wrote this way back last year when I was still that kid who knew how to write. LOL.

I remember originally writing this for my FEU Advocate column but since there was another issue that came upon me that time, this one never got published. It's funny how it felt reading it just about a while ago. Man, my heart was too fragile way back then. Try reading it. Oh God.

Dreams, we all have them

Scratch Line

When your dreams come true, who would you want to be next you?

            I guess it’s just normal for a graduating student to, out of a random moment, suddenly think about what the future holds for her. By saying future, I do not mean year 3001, but future meaning, the real world.

            From previous years I have seen friends or cousins graduate and then learn that they’ve found a job, earning money for themselves and for their family. And also over the years, I have seen friends succeed. I have witnessed friends come on top of their careers.

            But one thing I have always hated witnessing is when friends have everything and still not be happy about it.

            Then on one random night, as I searched though my recent posts in Facebook, I read a friend’s status update that said: “There are five things a person needs to be happy: some work, some food, some friends, some fun, and someone.”

            It was a bit mushy but I thought it made it sense. Thoughts suddenly came flashing and remembered the friends I have been talking about earlier. I realized, just about then, that yes, you may have everything but without anyone to share it with, it is as good as nothing.

            As a grade school student, I dreamt of being a doctor, save lives. In junior high school, I wanted to be a Cheerdancer but as I reached Senior High, I then wanted to be a director.

            And as of the moment, I have many things in mind that I want to become after I graduate. I want to work for New York Times, be a team Manager for any college basketball team, be a photographer, an events manager. I want to watch Maria Sharapova live in French Open, see Paramore perform live, tell Charice Pempengco how much I’m proud of her. Some are really random, some are long-term goals but all of which are attainable and they are what I call my dreams.

            I know achieving some of it would take me to a rough road, full of temptations to go back and shut the door of all possibilities. But my answer is no, I won’t go back because I have decided to take a few people with me.

            Not sure who they are yet, but if ever, I want someone who knows me very well –

the one who knows my weaknesses and yet still believe in my strengths even if they are not obvious.

            I would also like to take someone who is honest enough to tell me what my mistakes are even if it hurts me a thousand times and more. I would also take with me someone who will keep reminding me of my goal because at times, I tend to forget them. Also, someone who would be willing to catch me once I fall and say “Hey! Stand up, we still have a long way to go.”

            Someday, school, which I call the Preparation Stage, will soon have to end. And all of us will be facing the next phase, which I call the Application Stage.

            Though the people surrounding us may cause trouble and pain, we all know that we are less of a person without them. And in a world of power and odds, it pays to have some people to be with ‘til the end.

            You may chose or fate may give one to you, but once you see and decide who you want to be there when your fantasies come to life, never let them walk away. Family, friends, special someone – whoever it may be, remember that some birds don’t come back after you have let them fly away.

            Graduating or not, ask yourself. Reflect. When your dreams come true, who would you want to be next to you?